sucks to be studying without you....lol you are so much better at this stuff than i am.

what should i do for your birthday? you'd be 29....lol

miss you like crazy

miss you cracker jack

It's beautiful outside today. I miss you. I wish you were here. I've been studying for the LSAT and I have a million questions. We should be studying for it together. Although we both you know you wouldn't need to study and would do way better on it than me. :-)

I keep thinking about what I could have said or done differently that might have made you reconsider... My head knows that I couldn't have done anything, but my heart still wants to know why.

OMG I freaking miss you. What am I going to do?

Hey SK. I miss you like crazy. I can't believe that you've been gone for 11 months. It seems like 5 minutes and a million years all at the same time. You would have enjoyed the ACA conference in Florida last weekend. We all missed you and wished you were there with us. I would do anything to be able to talk to you once more. I miss your fabulous smile and laugh. And the way you just knew me and everything. You are the bestest, cracker jack.

Happy Christmas, cracker jack!

Hey cracker jack! Just trying to finish up this semester. I know that you wouldn't be procrastinating like I am. You would have had all these papers finished months ago. :-) You could send me a little motivation...please?

Tomorrow morning is the research methods midterm. Too bad you aren't here to study with me. Not that you would need to study...you were the master of methods. :-) Me on the other hand...probably should have studied more, but I'm hoping that you'll send me some knowledge from wherever you are. You wouldn't let me fail, right? I miss you SK. Sending you kisses and hugs.

It's sad that I am writing papers, doing take home midterms, and studying without you. I need you here to keep me on track! :-)

Just wanted to tell you good morning Steven. I had a dream about you last night...I miss you.

I'm walking for you SK. Doesn't seem like much, but I think it is. Miss you lots. Can't believe you've been gone for 7 months. Feels like forever and 5 minutes at the same time. I wish I could just talk to you for a few more minutes. Say everything that I didn't get to say before you left. You're the bestest. Don't forget about me.

I still miss you, cracker jack.

Happy birthday cracker jack. The big 28!! Now you're just as old as I am. Miss you.

I should have done more for you Steven. I should have told you how much you mean to me more. I should have made sure you knew that I loved you. I miss you. Starting classes tomorrow is going to be strange without you.

Tuesday is his birthday...I think I'm going to send him some balloons. I'm missing him a lot tonight. xoxoxoxo

I believe that we can communicate with those who have passed on in our dreams. When I visited Cole Hall and talked to Steve - my way of trying to get closure and deal with his death on a healthy level since there was no funeral - I asked him to come to me when he was ready. A few nights ago he finally showed up. Though I do not have any recollection of what was discussed between the two of us, which is how it usually works for me, like when my grandmother visited me, I woke up and my first thought was "you finally came to me Steve", and I felt as though I was more at peace with what happened. I still don't understand or know why he did what he did, but I believe he explained it to me in that dream, though as I said before I have no recollection of what was said between us, I only remember sitting across from him talking, his face burned into my memory for life. I've felt better about the entire situation ever since. I am so happy that he decided to come to me in my dream and I hope that he will continue, as my grandmother does every now and again. Whatever he had to say to me has allowed me to come to a higher level of peace with what happened. I can't believe it's been 6 months already. I finally finished my scrapbook, which was also therapeutic for me. It is hard to come to peace with someone's death when there is no funeral, and especially since this is such a delicate subject matter for so many. Steve visiting with me in my dream has allowed a calmness to come over me, and I feel like I'm ready to start dealing with his death on a higher level. I will never forget him, but I will always remember him as my friend and a wonderful, beautiful, and caring man who was only in my life for a short few years, but who made a dramatic positive impact upon me. I loved picking his brain during our shifts together, he taught me so many things on so many subjects. He had this ability, much like Prof. Meeks (RIP), to take a complex theory and break it down into easily digestible points, and that is a special ability, especially when, and I don't want to harp on any of the professors I disliked, the professor had no clue as to how to really explain complex theory and ideas. He was special in that way; so brilliant. He had so much potential to become something great, to do great things, but sadly, his life ended way too soon, and I wish I could go back and be there for him. If I only knew, but no one did. We did not see the warning signs, so we cannot blame ourselves, we can only take what we've learned to help others who are in similar situations. I just wish we knew why, and I have not come to peace with not knowing why, but I believe that he told me in the dream, which is why I think I feel more at peace with his death. I was driving to my uncle's yesterday, and when I looked over at the guy in the car next to me, I swear he was Steve. He had similar physical features, and it took me a second to realize that it wasn't Steve. Interestingly enough this happened the day I woke up from my dream with Steve. I think about him everyday. I have gotten past the crying phase, though sometimes I do tear up when I see his picture. I want to hug him and tell him that everything will be ok, but now it is too late. Sometimes I look at his picture and I talk to him when I feel the need to get stuff off my chest... I am still very angry with him for what he did, but I know he was not in a normal mental state and that he was not in his right mind when he did this. I also still love him greatly because I try to focus on what our friendship was like while he was at NIU. He was so many things to me: my student, my co-worker, my sociology grad peer, and my friend. I try not to focus on what he did on Feb 14th, I focus on who he was when at NIU. I miss him. Thank you Steve for coming to me. Even though it took you 6 months, I needed to talk to you, I just wish I could remember the conversation... like I said, all I remember is sitting across from him and that we were talking, that is it, but I woke up feeling more peaceful. Keep coming to me if you want every now and again because I really enjoyed seeing you. I know this all sounds silly to some of you, but I do truly believe that we can communicate with those who have passed in our dreams. I just hope that now he is no longer in pain, and although what he did should damn him to hell, according to the Bible, I refuse to believe that he is not in Heaven. God needed him more than we did, and now he is up in Heaven, at peace, maybe in "angel training" :) I would be lucky if he were to be one of my guardian angels. I love you Steve and I miss you. Rest in Peace my dear friend.

I can't believe you've been gone for 6 months. Steven, I miss you and wish you were here. I hope you know that I think about you all the time and I won't ever forget you. I hope you found the peace that you couldn't find here. You're my person. Love you. What do you want for your birthday? I just had to ask. . .I only have a week and a half. . .

I love you, cracker jack

Tell me where I shall begin? Steve was every REAL SOCI major's best friend. He explained to me constantly the lectures I didn't understand,nor cared to do so. Steven was amazing. I am sorry for how his life ended; I am also for the events in which occured that day; he wouldn't dare take a life in all reationationality. He was so smart;beyond caring, but sadly.... he was obvious;y secretly sick and hurting to an extent that which even his loved ones didn't know. I am sorry if you lost a loved one that day. I will FOREVER LOVE the SK I knew, and pray for the victims. Kaitlyn I am really sad that Steven is known to MOST of you whom look at this page in the way that he is, he was much more than that. SMART,LOVING,GENTLE,FUNNY and seemingly happy; this could have NEVER been predicted.

I miss you SK.

I keep wondering what Steven would be doing right now if he were sitting next to me. Since I'm watching a National Geographic show on Stateville, we would probably be talking about how much I want to work there and how our last trip to Stateville was. He'd talk about how getting a tour with an officer is much better than one with administration. I'd say how disappointed I was because I haven't seen the R&C yet. He'd laugh and tell me that we should go on the next trip with JT.

Your love for Steven is amazing Jessica. Im stunned. Rest in peace Steven !

I will never be ashamed of remembering and grieving for Steven. Never.

I don't know how you can create a page for a person that killed 5 innocent people. 5 people that did nothing wrong. I understand that this may be a grieving for yourself, but there is no need to honor a killer. No need what so ever. You should be ashamed of yourself to have a disgusting page like this.

angela

15 years ago

Like Jessica said in a previous note, she wondered where her Steven was when this happened. It is not her fault of what happened at all and her heart lives for Steven, leave your negative comments to yourself and let Jessica tribute her fallen love.

If Steven were here right now. . .he would probably be playing a video game while I'm sitting here reading. He would ask me a million times if the tv was too loud and if he was bothering me. I would reassure him a million times that it didn't bother me and he could have it as loud as he liked. Then he would ask me if I wanted to stretch out on the couch and put my feet on him. I would say no but really mean yes and he would pull me over so I was stretched out. After a few minutes, he would pause his game and ask me how I was feeling. I'd say that I was tired and Steven would offer to rub my feet. I'm unable to resist a foot massage from him. Eventually, I'll fall asleep and he'll carry me to bed. Giving me a kiss and a hug, Steven will say sweet dreams. Then he'll go back to his game. Those were great nights. I loved just being around him. He'd say something totally random and make me laugh. Then we'd get in some discussion about something that was on fox news earlier. . .I miss him like crazy.

I can't believe it's been 5 months. Sometimes it feels like I just saw Steven yesterday. Other times, it feels like a million years. I miss him lots.

Rock Band on the PS3. . .Steven's favorite song on it was "Gimme Shelter" by the Rolling Stones. . .

He was my whole world. I wish he had tried a little harder to protect me from the aftermath of his actions, like I'm trying to protect him. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for Steven.

He should be here today. I can't help but wonder where my Steven was while the other one was creating a tragedy. . .

I knew Steven on several different levels - as one of my students, as a co-worker, as a sociology graduate student peer, and most of all, as one of my friends. I have several memories of Steven since I spent countless hours with him during the week as he was a student of mine while I was a Graduate Assistant in the SOCQRL lab, tutoring him in sociological statistics. He was in the lab ALL the time, so much that I believe most of the tutors, including myself, started considering him a friend, and none of us were surprised when Dr. Cappell offered him a position in the lab (he aced the class of course, not because he spent so much time doing the work, but because he was so intelligent). He was a great co-worker and a great tutor. He was completely dedicated to our students and would spend time in the lab while he was off duty just to help out when the lab got busy and students needed help. If a co-worker needed anything, shift coverage, help grading, or just to vent about the job, he was always there to help. He truly loved his position in the lab. Soon, we began to have classes together, and though we would get into debates occasionally, I always knew that he respected my opinions, and so I made sure to respect his. At times he and Jess would accompany our "soc grad family" to Buffalo Wild Wings or the bar (I can't remember right now the name of it) after class to "talk sociology" or vent about how boring class had been that night or how we were upset with our professor about something or to just have some fun. During one of my most difficult times, he was there to talk me through what I was going through and he always gave me the support I needed to get through the day, much like my other peers. Sometimes we would both end up in the lab on Saturday's to grade papers and we would just talk without direction... just talking about nothing and everything and getting to know each other. I soon decided to take a year off grad school and Steven and Jess moved to the University of Illinois in Champaign, and I regretfully never really had a chance to keep in touch with him. My last memory was seeing him at the traditional end-of-the-semester socqrl dinner at Johnny's Steakhouse in DeKalb, IL. We said our goodbyes and he gave me a hug and we wished each other well... he seemed really excited about moving and starting the next chapter in his life, especially since he was starting it with Jess. It was only a few months later that February 14, 2008 arrived. I don't think I need to discuss the sense of shock and sadness and helplessness that I felt. We all felt it. In soc grad family form, we all came back together that day, even though we were all apart. Between phone calls, aim, e-mail, facebook, etc, we all came together to support each other, and most of all, Jess. I am proud to be a part of this family, and although I still cannot understand why Steven did what he did, I am proud to say that he was my friend. If I could go back knowing what was going to happen years later, I would still keep him as my friend. He was caring, dedicated, intelligent, funny, and an all around great guy. One thing I would change... I would have made sure that I kept in contact with him and do my best to help him through whatever he was going through, not because he did that for me, but because he, being who he was, deserved nothing less. I wish I could have helped. I miss him. Sorry this is so long, I guess I just had a lot to say. I hope that others continue to share their thoughts and memories so that we can build this site into a wonderful tribute to Steven's life.

Steven was my heart. The feeling of just being whole was a foreign idea to me, until I met Steven. Being with him was like coming home. It was not always easy. He tested me and pushed me to see if I would leave him. He never understood that he wasn't a burden. I loved him so much. I hope he knew that. I miss him like crazy.

I'll always remember sitting with Steve in the computer lab, just talking. He opened up to me, sharing a little of his life's story, exposing a little bit of his soul, trusting me with his inner thoughts. I remember that I was touched by that, and had planned to return that trust, to open up and share a little of my life's story with him as well. Life got busy, Steve left for another school, and I never had the opportunity to open up to him. He was hurt by this, felt his trust was betrayed. When I learned of his hurt, I chose to leave it alone, telling myself I was just giving him his space. I wish now that I had reached out to him, to tell him it was never that I didn't trust him with my story, that I considered him a good friend. Today, I am angry at the man who committed such a brutal act. But I just can't put that person together with the kind, caring and intelligent man I sat and talked with so many times. I miss Steve.

I followed your link from the Suicide Grief Forum. Thank you for posting all of the wonderful photos. It's so hard to believe that someone so "normal" and giving and who looks like they were enjoying life to the fullest, can somehow change in a moment and do the unthinkable. I think you've done a wonderful job with this memorial for him. There will be those who don't understand and will be cruel, but people need to remember that this man left behind a family and friends who all loved him very much and had no clue as to what events would take place on that day. Nobody likes to think of it, but it could happen to ANY of our loved ones. Something just goes horribly wrong and it's over in a flash. May you somehow find peace through all of this. I'm thinking of you, J.